Last night I got the sweetest letter from one of our precious Beat-Sugar-Cravings buddies. She said it all, that even when you know what to do, it is VERY hard to accept, embrace, progress, plain old "quit" -- call it what you will. Her progress feels slow. How very difficult and sad in many ways it is to close the door, turn your back and move on from something so "sweet." LOL. I told her that I would post some of the "booster" activities that give our spirits a much nicer and more real lift, and in turn our bodies.
I'll do that by Saturday, but first, I must answer my own journal prompt here. To tell you the truth, it launched what we are all doing here.
The question: "What emptiness have I tried to fill with sugar?" ... I don't want to dwell on the past, but as the saying goes, "Feelings buried alive never die." So I'm giving my McDonald's chocolate dipped cones a proper burial today. I might need some Kleenex and a black outfit for mourning .... I'm not really joking.
I discovered them a year ago, so summer before this just-past summer (so 2012). I had a few, and was getting to a point of wanting them regularly when they discontinued them at Labor Day. I was sad, but glad too as I realized I was becoming dependent. Then, 9-months later over the Memorial Day weekend. They returned. I was happy. I was TOO happy. I ate a whole lot of them over the summer. By myself. In the car.
Why? What holes was I trying to fill?
Well ... I had planned on some "empty-nest-house-to-myself" years before Bob retired. After raising 5 kids. Just some hours at home each day with just ME. However, over a year ago, just a few months after our youngest went off to BYU-Idaho, my Mom, then 91, moved in with us. It was to be for a short stay, but over the next couple of months it turned into permanent (last November.)
All 5 of my siblings live on the other side of the country. Far too far to come and help in any real way, and far too far for her to go and stay with because she has become 100% housebound and can no longer travel.
She has thought for years she would be long gone by now. She is not dwelling on dying, but just hoped to go while she was still independent. Surprise. She's here, and we're all facing the fact that the genetics for much of her family lead up to age 100. We love her so much! And are so grateful for delightful ward members and neighbors who brighten her days and our lives. But ...
Wow. So much for our empty nest years that Bob and I had both so looked forward to for such a long time.
Six months after she moved in, Bob retired his wonderful business to come home and work our tea business full time. Another ig surprise that this is Heavenly Father's plan for us.
RESULT:
It's all good and nobody's sweeter than my Mom and my simply marvelous husband. I love them both with all my heart and we all enjoy each other's company! No real problems.
BUT my time at home alone is gone. Forever. In fact, I never really got it at all. And I had really looked forward to not days and weeks alone, but a few hours every day ... there's nothing wrong with that, is there?
Mom is 100%, spiritually and mentally and her eyes and ears are even pretty good, but mobility wise she is greatly handicapped and totally dependent other than getting to the bathroom and feeding herself). She doesn't get dressed or leave the house. We're all still adjusting.
She thought she'd have passed on years ago and handles it magnificently ...
Well, it's all been a little bit of a shock to me as I really love alone time. I assure you, it's all working out and I'm adjusting.
But even putting it on paper reveals my subsconscious (and heck -- my CONSCIOUS self) saying "Of course! No wonder you need some space and something sweet JUST FOR YOU. McDonald's dipped cones all by yourself are the perfect answer!"
SO! Over the summer, the few times I was alone during the week, I made sure I had one. Once or twice I even had 2 (and thought about having 2 every time I had one. So thought I was doing GOOD to hold off at one each time.)
For those who say, "Those? They're too messy! They chocolate coating just falls off."
To them I reply: "They're not too messy. You just keep an apron in the car to throw around your neck so it doesn't fall onto your shirt."
Truth.
The sillier-embarrassing part is that I was thinking about them even more than I was eating them. And coming up with little outings as an excuse more and more.
I was really worried that they would be discontinued again on Labor Day.
I both hoped they WOULD (so I wouldn't have to be responsible for not being able to get them) but more importantly I hoped they WOULD NOT, because I'd gotten really attached. I think in an emotional way as much as how delicious they tasted, as a little "reward" for being alone.
I consciously expressed to friends, "I'm so worried they'll discontinue!" I asked when I ordered, and they just shrugged as if "who even cares?????"
Well, I CARED. A LOT. And I DID NOT WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE, like I had the year before.
I kept thinking, "I've got to get a hold of all of this!" But my inner voice cried, "No-No-No. I don't want to! I just don't want to."
It was all of this end-of-summer dilemma that really prompted the "Beat-Sugar-Cravings" offer on Meridian. Yes, that was the source, and it was my spiritual inner dilemma that was answered in prayer when it came to me that others might be struggling too.
Just accepting that it's time to say GOOD-BYE .... has been the hardest part for me! (It very much reminds me of my kids giving up blankies, pacifiers, and sucking their thumbs. I'm sure you remember.)
As the summer came to a close, and there was no yes-or-no answer, I found myself needing MORE dipped cones o protect myself, in case it really was to be over.
It was/is pathetic, and I knew/know it, but I can't/won't deny it.
And you know what?
The day after Labor Day. IT WAS OVER! Not my choice, but McDonald's.
I stopped for my cone, and the gal at the window said -- completely unemotionally as if it were not BIG DEAL (which it was/is) "we don't have them anymore." Stone-faced, non-plussed.
Not me. I ordered a regular cone, but it was not the same.
It happened all at the same time I was launching the Sugar-Detox at Meridian, and it was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Honey, whether you want to say Good-bye or not, you must."
I spent much of September eating anything else, since my cones were gone.
The "honey-moon is over" with the reality of Mom being here brought some difficult conversations with all my siblings and with her ... and you know what?
FOOD DOESN'T FILL THE HOLES. Only Heavenly Father can make us WHOLE.
I'm so grateful for October and the progress I have made. I'm so grateful for the humbling reality that I have been far more dependent than I wanted to admit.
I am so grateful for the excellent resources and the support that have come my way -- and I am finding new ways to embrace the beauty of my new reality ... our empty nest years may not be quite as empty with Mom here, but they are rich and full and it is a blessing to be the ones to provide a home for her in her later years. She deserves so very, very much, and it is such an oporutnity to become a bigger, better person.
Wow. It feels good to put it all in writing. It feels ... far better than a dipped cone.
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